Conflicted

Happy: Christmas is coming. The tree is up and decorated. We went with a blue, white and silver theme. There are mostly balls. I did not really feel sad not taking out all the ornaments. It will be more special next year when we put them all on the tree. I love my new clear and blue balls too much to care about the other ornaments. I did put some other colored balls on the tree only because Grandma gave them to us. They’re from the 50s. πŸ™‚ I know. I’m such a nerdy 50s housewife.

Sad: Epically failed at making gingerbread cookies today. They came out hard as rocks. I think it was more a recipe fail than a me fail. Not much I could do.

Happy: Lasagna in the oven for dinner. All sorts of homemade goodness and there’s a little on in the freezer for later. Nom nom nom.

Happy: Mass was all about rejoicing today. And it was a beautiful walk to church and back. Even now that it’s colder outside, the house feels all sorts of cozy and smells like pine, so I really feel like I should be rejoicing. Rejoice! Rejoice!

Happy: I get to wrap Christmas presents, which I enjoy so very much! I have four kinds of Christmas cookies made, all of which are delicious!

Happy: I graduate on Friday. πŸ™‚ I’m actually walking. My rents are coming! And we’re going out to dinner before hand! I just have to pick up my gown and hood this week!

Happy: Two weeks until Christmas break.

Happy: My students are being surprisingly awesome recently.

I guess the happy outweighs the sad. I just wish I were fixed already!!!!! And without more medicine and such!!! Arg! I guess I should just rejoice in all the good right now and forget about the sad. REJOICE!

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:-(

I haven’t been using this quite as the resource I should be. Meaning I haven’t posted in something like forever. And I do feel that a post is in order at this point in time. Well, let’s start with I’ve been back at work and it’s been going surprisingly well. I haven’t been stressed about work at all. In fact, I’ve been quite chill and happy. There are days that I am just deliciously happy and I can’t pin point why. But I guess I am stressed or at least my body thinks it’s stressed. I’ve been feeling wicked sick today. My head is killing me, as it has been doing for like the last two weeks.

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Not sure if I really feel better or not. My back hurts like woah! But it seems to come and go. My hands and arms hurt but that comes and goes as well. I went out to the movies with my s-i-l today. For the duration of the movie I was not in a lot of pain. Only towards the end did my tush and back start to hurt. But then I got home and it was painful to lay on the couch. Ugh! I don’t know what to do about this. I guess I will have to stick it out until Monday, possibly Tuesday depending on when the doctor is open. But this is my only symptom, so I don’t know what to think. I don’t have a fever or any major headaches or any rashes, so I don’t know. I have very mild joint aches. It’s mostly in my fingers, but I’ve also had my fingers hurt due to stress, so I don’t really know what to make of all this.

Well, I’m going to attempt to download an ebook on my phone! Happy reading!

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Insane

The hubs says that I should get my thoughts out when I am really stressed, so that’s what I am going to try here. Well, let’s start with I am driving myself nuts. You might wonder what could possibly be bothering me. Well, my whole body hurts. And it hurts in an achy sort of way, where my muscles hurt when I move. When I lie still on the couch, it doesn’t really hurt much. So I have convinced myself that I have Lyme’s Disease. Okay, why the leap? We were hiking a bit on our weekend away and since it’s the time of year for baby deer ticks to be out, I figured I got one on me and didn’t find it even though we are vigilant about out tick checks. If I had Lyme’s wouldn’t I have other symptoms? Maybe, maybe not. It is one of those vague diseases where you could end up with some symptoms and not others, so I’m pretty sure that is the case. Could my soreness be linked to anything else? YES! Like STRESS!!!! Okay so when I get stressed out enough, occasionally, my whole body will hurt. It seems to start in my back, but it ventures out into other areas of my body. Is it possible that this is what is happening right now? Yes. I think that it is. Particularly since the achy-ness Β does not seem to have a rhyme or reason. It just hurts at random. I am concerned because my hands and feet hurt, but why can’t that be stress too? Or why can’t it be from sleeping very poorly last night? I think I managed a whole 6 hours of sleep, which is not enough. Which could explain some of the insanity. It’s harder to fight these feelings when I am tired. They seem to just overtake me and not leave me alone. And what do I have to be stressed about? I’m not really sure anymore. They voted. My job is safe for one more year. I am finished with the interviews, and I think I might decline others if I am fortunate enough to get any more. Healthwise, I actually seem fine, except for this horrible achy-ness. I just don’t know what to do. Actually, what I will most likely do is just try to sleep tonight and see how I feel tomorrow after a good night’s sleep. If I feel worse tomorrow, I will head off to the doctor to request a test. If I feel better, I will let it go because I can’t imagine that it is something that comes and goes. Besides, I only seem to have one symptom and if I lie still enough it doesn’t even bother me. Here’s to maybe relaxing a little bit and convincing the hubs that I really need a back rub because I was good and posted my feelings. πŸ™‚

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Job Update

It appears as if I will be keeping my job. The union voted yesterday to go with the pay freeze that will keep all jobs for next year. The year after that is up in the air, but I am employed for one more year. I am pleased. I feel like I have the support of some of my colleagues, but I also maybe wanted a way out. Not like I have any other real prospects. I might have an interview. Depends if the phone interview went well. I am not sure if I will leave if that turns into an offer. I just don’t know right now. I had some of my best laid plans torn to shreds recently, so we will see. I am trying to take it all one day at a time, but just recently I was struck with some anxiety. Nothing too major. I’ve been doing rather well on my herbal remedies, but a twinge nonetheless. And it wasn’t an ignorable twinge. It was something brewing in the deep recesses of my mind. It could be because I did not sleep well last night. We had a tornado warning and I was quite concerned based on the sound of the storm outside. It didn’t amount to anything by me, so I was relieved. As a result, I did not sleep well. And tonight is a long night. I will get to stay at school until about 9 PM. Woohoo! Just what I wanted- to stay from 6:40AM to 9PM at my job! Yes!

Anyway, it’s up to the board to vote now to see if I will get to keep my job for next year. I’m hoping it goes well. I have some new plans in place here. I’m just tired of it all. I’m tired of being called a sheep and a greedy person. I’m tired of the hostility in my workplace over this. I mean I just wanted a job. I understand people aren’t happy about the pay freeze, but to me it was an easy choice. Hmm pay freeze or no pay? Not a lot of thought went into it. I know others had a harder time deciding, and I understand some animosity towards me, but I was only one vote. I’m sure your vote cancelled me out. It’s just that more people agreed with me. Oh well. Deep breathe. I’m sure it will die down eventually. I just hope they don’t go making gigantic cuts next year. Positive thoughts.

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Quickie!

I only have a moment before I have to run to make it to the last class of the day on time. I just felt like I had to get some things out. One of my co-workers just had her husband diagnosed with cancer and the outlook is not good. It really makes me sad and anxious. It brings up all the horrible memories of watching my grandfather waste away. It makes me feel horrible because there is nothing I can do to help this woman and she keeps bursting into tears. I plan on making some food because I have the desire to bake for her. So I am dealing with all those thoughts. And it makes me want to make some big decisions about my life. So I am dealing with all those thoughts right now. It’s throwing me off kilter. And my allergies are bad. Ugh. At least it’s Wednesday and I have band practice so I can get some feelings out there. Gotta run!

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Ugh!

Okay so I was doing well this morning. Then while copying, my stomach started to HURT!!! I’m trying to calm down about it. About 20 minutes before I had a huge piece of cake, so chances are the cake is just making my stomach angry because of all the sugar. I just don’t like it because right now I have a class!!! And I hate having a class when my stomach is PISSED!!! Ugh! It makes my heart all racy…yeah… so that’s the bell…let’s see if I can pull this together!!!! Wish me luck!

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