Ugh

So here it is Tuesday and I am finally updating about my horrible weekend. I so should have posted over the weekend, but I was just such a mess I didn’t have it in me. Friday night, the show went well. It wasn’t the best but it wasn’t the worst, so I survived. No one was hurt. Nothing went terribly wrong. It was better than last year. So was it all residual stress, I think so, I hope so. Saturday morning I was munching on some cookies one of the drama students baked for me. And I realized that they were not all fully cooked. Some were quite raw and tasted of cookie dough. Any normal person would be hmmm and stop eating. No, no. I chose to google what sort of food poisonings I could get from raw eggs. Turns out it’s salmonella. Then I spent the whole weekend waiting for some symptoms to show up. I ended up heading towards panic any time I was hungry, digesting, had any sort of pain anywhere near my abdomen. I tried to determine what would be the first sign there was something wrong. So by the time we hit Sunday night, I was a mess. We went over my parents house for dinner and I was almost in panic mode the whole time. I hate being that way around my parents. My dad understands a little, if I would tell him since I think he is similar to me. My mom is such a strong person, that she has no idea what it’s like to be consumed by these thoughts. But my mom is much better than she was. I think now that I have received some help and can voice what goes on, she sees it less as something that she needs to attack about me (I was often told to suck it up and that I wasn’t that sick when I was younger) and more as something that truly is wrong with me that I am actually working on fixing. So even though I think I was really hungry, I ate very little dinner. I took three bites of grandma’s poppy seed cake and just stopped eating. It was bad. All I wanted to do was go home. So we went home earlier than expected. I was better once I was home and curled up in my own bed. I survived. I did not get sick. But I don’t like how worked up I got myself. I am amazed at times that if I think it enough I can create stomach aches.

The hubs thinks I need to see a new doctor. The one I see on and off gives me a lot of tips to use, but it’s hard to use them. I can repeatedly tell myself that the odds of me getting sick are so slim. I don’t know what’s going on this year that suddenly I am bad again. Last year, I was pretty much fine until we hit April. Even with the swine flu, I didn’t have this much anxiety.

So flash forward to today. Monday I survived. Only a minor stomach upset. I really need to not eat the tangerine as the first part of my lunch. Apparently citrus on an empty stomach does not make me happy in the afternoon. I have a personal day tomorrow so I can go out with grandma. She needs to do some last minute Christmas shopping and would like some company. I know. 10 days is last minute in our worlds. My grandmother and I see who can finish first. I think I did most of my shopping the end of October so I could get what I wanted without worrying about it making it in time. That and I wanted to spread out the spending and I was making the monthly budget at the time. So I am quite relaxed today since I know I have off tomorrow. That ought to make Thursday and Friday a bit rough, but I will survive since there will only be two days. I am hoping that the upcoming break with relax and rejuvenate me. As for more exercise in my life, so far it hasn’t been happening. Since I am no longer using nasal sprays because they caused more anxiety symptoms, I get these massive sinus headaches every time it rains or snows. So last night I was done as soon as I got home. So no exercise there. Maybe I can get a walk in this afternoon or possibly some yoga. I managed some yoga over the weekend and it was amazing. It really does help me to relax. I know. I need to exercise. I think I also need to start watching what foods I am eating. Maybe too much fat and sugar is causing the anxiety. Seriously because last year I was on a major watch what I eat at this point in the year. There are just too many factors. I think I need to focus on just one. So I will work on increasing my exercise. I am hopeful!

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