Today was a good day. I didn’t have many negative thoughts and it was the first time I felt really, really good and happy for most of the day. Since it was a good day and I don’t feel the need to unload any negative thoughts, I figured I should delve into a little bit of history.
I’m trying to think back to how it all began. Some therapists seem to think that figuring out the history can help me to figure it all out. Others seem to think that I don’t need to know it all; I just need to know how to dispute the thoughts. But maybe some history would make it all make sense to me and to others.
So the beginning. I know part of the beginning. I know part of it all began in 4th grade. My 4th grade teacher thought it would be motivating to have a homework chart on the wall. Anyone would did all their homework for the day would get a star sticker. If not, a zero would be placed in the spot. Great. Awesome. It motivated me. It motivated me into panic attacks. I had to get a star every day. I HAD TO! If I missed part of an assignment, I would quickly try to finish it under my desk while the teacher roamed the room. This obsession followed me. I did not miss a homework assignment throughout middle school or into high school. I remember missing one assignment in middle school that I quickly did as I sat by my locker before returning to class. As I tried to do it, my heart raced; I couldn’t breathe. It was horrible. By 7th grade when I felt the panic setting in, I turned to hurting myself. I would scratch my arms just to help calm my racing heart. This would later turn into a worse habit, but it satisfied what I needed at the time. I’ll go into that at a later date.
The instances with the homework are the first times I really remember having panic attacks or what I thoughts were panic attacks. The fear of throwing up didn’t really develop until high school. At least that’s when it started, but I didn’t think about it or worry about it like I do today. Those thoughts got really bad in college. My current therapist seems to link it back to a separation thing because it happened when I was first truly away from my parents. His theory works, but it doesn’t help me to get over it all. I am trying to not implant the thoughts since I am having such a good day. Well, at least everyone now has some idea of the beginning.